Miscarriage. It is such a definitive word. When I called my parents yesterday to tell them, I couldn’t say that word. I could merely utter, “Our baby doesn’t have a heartbeat anymore.” Four weeks ago, we could hear the heartbeat strong, even see it boldly fluttering on the sonogram machine. In the past four weeks, life has been a celebration. I took my physical therapy license exam, I PASSED my physical therapy license exam, celebrated my 25th birthday, and all the while we looked at baby furniture, constantly thought of names for our baby, and planned for the future- confident our bundle of joy would be here at the end of October. According to the measurements yesterday, our baby stopped growing only days after our last appointment. It still looked like the 8 week old baby we had seen a month ago, but the heartbeat was nowhere to be found. The best way to describe our emotions is DEVASTATED. Heartbroken. This took us off guard and we weren’t expecting it at all. I think that was the hardest part— no warning. no idea this was coming. Symptom-wise, my body still is acting like it’s pregnant. I’m still hungry all of the time, and have been the entire past month. Still going to the bathroom every hour and as tired as ever. As we cried and held each other in the doctor’s office, we looked up and her and asked, “Now what?” She smiled reassuringly and explained our options.
Throughout my life, I have consistently called on the Father to help me in my times of need. When trials strike you, and you’re not expecting them, He is your Comforter. He is your Strength. He gives you Peace. Zeke and I are continuing to grieve the loss of this baby, but we already know that God has a perfect plan for us— one that will give us hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) We are reminded that “the Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.” (Psalm 29:11) I have been clinging to this verse and Zeke and I have already discussed that, despite our pain of loss and the sadness we feel over losing our baby, God is giving us peace because he tells us that “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thought than your thoughts.” (Isaiah 55:9) He is in control. He knows what He is doing. My mind cannot grasp how this could be for my good, but God promises, “that in ALL things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28) ALL things. Not just happy or easy things. ALL things. God is working for our good.
A few weeks ago, my grandmother passed away. She was my first grandmother to go to heaven. Zeke sang a precious song at her funeral, and one of the verses goes like this…
The sun comes up, it’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing your song again
Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
Whatever is happening with you, today. No matter how difficult or trying. No matter how unexpected and no matter how much it takes you off guard. Sing praise to our Father tonight. Thank Him for Jesus. Because of Jesus, we will get to see our baby again. Because of Jesus, we have hope that this world is not our home. Whether your trials are big and devastating or you’re experiencing daily difficulties, keep your eyes on the Lord. You can’t do it alone— you need His strength and guidance. “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)